Story of a Loner

Long, long time ago, before you were born
There lived a loner viewed with contempt and scorn
He was a jolly man once, they say she left him cold
These days he seldom walks out, his house is worn and old
I see him coming out and look far from the porch
During the dead night of winter and during the summer day scorch
I never see him close but I know his eyes were wet
Searching far far away, waiting a long wait that no one else will wait
Wanted to tell him, she wont come, you better go inside
But I never went to his house, never had the chance to confide
Today still I see him, from the dusk to dawn
Existence reduced to insignificance, like a chessboard pawn
Squinting eyes, searching eyes, eyes that want to see
His beloved walking down the street, to be where he wanted her to be
World is not fair, the loner is no wiser, the world mocks him even more
Winters come, summers go; the wounds still remain sore
Maybe some of these days I will go to tell him the truth, knocking in his door
But till then, he stays in his porch, his wounds will still remain sore

The Man is Free

Somewhere in the folds and corners,
A spring came loose, insanity
Haunting and feeding on avarice
Demises, triumph upon a dead city
How sad, sadder, saddest our desires
Tearing down our own house, we hoot for bonfires
Somewhere in the woods, a body hangs from a tree
Chains and shackles were worse enough, now the man is free
Disgusted, retching, I flee from the scene, only the moon was sane
They say pain is the way of life, and repeat again and again
No Pain No Gain
To accept the horrors, they became a part of it
The ones who strove to put an end turned into its heartbeat
Now I am alone, only left, the breed dies with me as well
I rant, I chant just because I ain't got a chance in order to fail
I might have done nothing, I might have become another of them
I might have sold my soul like others, for power and oh! fame
I didn't get to fail, they didn't get to see
I can now pretend to be as holy as I can pretend to be
And say again and again, as if the absolute truth is just me
Chains and shackles were worse enough, now the man is free

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick

Sublime fear, of nothing and everything. The road not taken, the road less traveled. What am I going to choose? Who am I going to be? Echoes, just echoes unanswered. Long time since I wrote a prose, why now? Self-satisfaction? haha. I am a selfish soul. Just like 7 billion others. Don't want to be odd one out. Anyway, here I am, there I write, anything everything, nothing.

Nothing coherent, nothing sticking, nothing new, am no wiser am no fool. A way to kill time. No, its killing me. Yeah, slowly and painlessly. Yet, sometimes, in dark I feel it seeping through while I do nothing. Gnawing into me, like a rat. A clever one. gnawing, sharpening its teeth. Waiting for me to fail, take another misstep and I don't know what will happen then. Maybe a tier below, maybe a downfall steeper. I take my chances still. Habituated. I feel like doing nothing. Just let time kill me slowly slowly. And when it kills me, I know just a few people are going to notice. Again as I said, this is a selfish world. Each has to fight time on his/her own. They barely have time to kill time before it tills them themselves. How can they afford a luxury of noticing me gone? I don't blame them, I cant blame me. I don't want to blame time. It has always been there, announcing its arrival. I wait and wait and wait. Oh!!! the wait is long. I have all the time in world to kill before it kills me.

Outdoors

Frozen teardrops, flakes
Falling and rising, again falling
Ever so softly
All around me
To the rhythm of the wind
Like a billions molecules
Hither and thither
Under the glow of the light
Shining like emeralds
Engulfing me, enshrouding me
And my soul flies with their fall
And dances with their rise
Ever so softly
At that moment, when no one was watching
The frozen, dancing emeralds
Danced and flew just for me
Just for me

Icarus

Stilled in his clamouring
Dropped during his flight
Like the meteors that plunge
Icarus, now a museum piece
Dismissed by the public
He started off like all dreamers do
There was a time when Icarus flew
Entire world beneath his might
Closer and closer to the Sun
To his culmination before the wax melted
At the height of his zenith
There, my friend, his dream was silenced
Ultimate dream of kissing the Sun
With the turn he never foresaw
Icarus was a fool, the world declares
I disagree, Icarus was a dreamer
Just like you and me who dare to dream
Ambitious dreamer, limitless dreamer
And just a dreamer who dreamt too far
Yet a dreamer who died for his dream
Believe me,
Its the kind of death I am happy to die for

Destination

Faces, empty spaces and these formless images
Long stretches of silence amidst countless mazes
White horses, black doves, unorthodox raining
Looking out for familiar things, found myself straining
Careless, carefree; yet I'm tired of walking the road
Riding white horse, I've gone far searching my abode
Flushing heat waves rushing, gushing to my toe
Rush, rush rush; crush, crush, crush till I feel pretty low
Think hard, think right, sit cool and you better sit tight
Stay away from the monster dog, spare a nasty bite
On and on, the road is windy, the horse is getting slow
Flushing heat waves, rushing, gushing to my toe
I strain still, it rains still, the horse is panting as hell
Silence is killing me, go please ring a bell
My abode is calling me, I gotta ride on, Farewell!! to thee
Black doves fly ahead, they will reach there before me
I pant on, I push on, I urge the horse to go
I want to reach there before it stops rushing to my toe

Of Mice and Men

Finding your place amidst the crowd
I speak soft, they want me loud
Its not me they will be getting
No use later, don't want you regretting
Force me to change and I will not change
Call it whatever, call it "sweet revenge"
Can't seethe like fire and crawl like a mouse
Soon you will be all alone in the house
A mouse that crawls and a human that walks
The mouse will squeak and human will talk
No, never!
I've seen mice and their sad faces as well
As if they are wanting something to tell
Its not the tale of cheese or bread
Its not the tale of shredding a thread
Its surely the somber tell of how,
They became mice but can't escape now
They became mice and can do nothing now

Waves and I

Dear Ocean, your waves erased my love today
They roared, they soared and took away my love
I was mournful before I was thankful
For I realized later,
Eternal solace of grief is perhaps better than
Ephemeral cycles of love and loveless
Dear Ocean, I hold no grudge against you
Nor do I complain
But tomorrow again, I know I will be mourning
Cursing your waves for what they did
I will come again searching for my love
Even if I find it somewhere
In a figment of my imagination
Like the words in the formless sand
They will wrestle it away from me
And I am thanking you for that
For there is a single grief greater than an impossible dream
To believe that dream
I don't want to believe my dream

My Hopeless Love

Across the street and down at the mall
I thought I saw you last Fall
You turned away from me
I couldn’t be sure
If it was you or just my thoughts

My days have blown with the wind
Like the one that once blew over your face
It stroked you because it wanted to

Not just the wind or occasional rain
I seek to be with you throughout your pains
Hopeless and choiceless, I am stuck in midway
I can’t tell you my story nor can I say
That I don’t need you anyway

Maybe it’s about what prevails till the end,
Fear of your refusal or tenacity of my love?
Should I risk everything or maintain status quo?
The road less traveled is surely a treacherous road

The peace of mind and the blossoms of spring
I lose it all but I don’t complain
As long as you remain serene in my thoughts
I ask nothing but to live and love
Even if that love means nothing to you

Shouldn’t I change the water in pond?
Fresh change is something I must want
I counter myself and with a truth
The settled mud from the past might taunt
Threatening your tranquil image on the surface of pond
I don’t want to lose it
I don’t want to try
I will live like this
Like this I will die
Goodbye! My hopeless love
See you again in my dreams

Almost Perfect

I looked out from the window. Everything felt new. Maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me but I felt new and rejuvenated and that was for real. I went outside for a cold and fresh breath of air. I looked far and across the field. World could not have been better. I tried to capture this moment, perfect and serene. The flowers bloomed in the field. The sun was new and orange. The sky was tinged with red. The air was crisp and fresh.

But Wait…….

I saw a big dead branch hanging from the oak tree nearby and it didn’t fit into my perfection. Well, if it’s not perfect then what? Make it an almost perfect day and go on with your life. The inner voice inside me scolded. Yet I wanted it so much to be perfect. Maybe I will not get this chance again. What is there to lose if I just make it perfect in my own way?

I set off to search an axe inside the hut. Had I lost it? Maybe, I was not sure when and where I used it last time. Half an hour and countless scratches later, I finally succeeded in finding a rusty, old piece of junk that resembled an axe. Still determined to make it my day, I marched towards the tree with the invincible axe on my hand feeling like God.

It didn’t take long for me to get disappointed. The dead branch was higher than I had anticipated it to be. I wasn’t afraid of heights but not too fond of them either. But a resolution is a resolution and I intended to stick with mine. The climb up the tree added rashes to go along with the previous share of scratches and it would have been fine if it stopped there. Not long afterwards, I learnt that the tree was a continent of red-ants who were agitated but determined to throw this foreign particle out of their beloved tree. Chopping at the base of the dead branch with a rusted axe and warding off the ants at the same time is not a pleasant job. I would have traded it with two months of jail sentence.

Wait, wait…..No!

[THUMP]

Ohhhhhh!! My Back!!

You might have guessed by now. I failed at the Herculean task of chopping a dead branch with a dead axe and ward off my predators at the same time. I fell from the tree. I would have now traded that punishment for two years of jail sentence but no one came with the proposal and I didn’t.

I looked up the tree to the dead branch. And then I looked down to my torn clothes. Again I looked up to the scorching Sun. And again I looked down to my scratches and rashes. As if that wasn’t enough, a heat-wave slapped me across my face.

My almost perfect day had turned into a mess of my own making.

A Boy or a Girl?

Mrs. Johns was expecting a baby. Was it a boy of a girl? That she didn’t know and didn’t want to. She would often be heard saying, “It is not for me to find out beforehand whether it’s a boy of a girl. I’ll know when God wants me to know.” She held onto this belief so firmly that she didn’t even let her physician to carry out an Ultrasound test on her fetus.

Throughout her pregnancy, she bought toys for her baby. How could she when she didn’t even know whether it was a boy or a girl? You might be wondering and not without a reason. Well, she was clever. She would buy toys like Barbie Dolls and Teddy Bears one day while on another; she would buy Ninja Gears and Monster Truck models. She even had two separated rooms decorated for the baby. Obviously, one was painted pink and the other, sky blue. She took enough care of herself and thanked God in every opportunity for his wonderful gift. Such a pious lady was she.

That was seemed like every other one that it followed. She was reading religious poems from the book of her favorite writer Aubrey Williams. Already into the final month of her pregnancy, she was expected to deliver the baby soon. Mr. John’s was planning to transfer her to the hospital the following day. Suddenly without any prior warnings, contractions began and she frantically dialed for her husband and the ambulance.

Before long, she was already on her way to the hospital. For the rest of an hour, she was in a dazed stage. She couldn’t comprehend the clamor around her and finally gave in to the effects of anesthetics.

She already knew something was wrong as soon as she opened her eyes. Not a single melancholic faces around her wanted to be the harbinger of bad news. Exasperated she turned to her doctor.

After clearing his throat two or three times, he started with a solemn voice, “We tried our best to save the baby but could do nothing to fully restore the minimal blood level in the body. Fetal anemia would have come up in ultrasound but as you denied one yourself, there was no way we could have predicted this. I regret to say that we couldn’t save your baby.”

Just as she lay shocked in the hospital bed absorbing the bitter truth, a nurse piqued up, “Don’t you want to know whether it was a boy or a girl?”

She averted her face and answered, “No!” The answer was still the same but whether the logic behind it changed or not, that is something we will never know.

The Smoker

The air was still damp from last nights’ rain. Wet soles of Steve’s shoes were leaving its mark on the concrete slab of the pavement. Steve crushed the burnt-out butt of cigarette under his feet; the hissing noise of the smoldering cylinder was drowned by the howling of the wind. There went the last remaining cigarette for the day and if his resolution held any grounds, the final one of his entire life as well.

The decision to quit smoking had been quite heavy on him. Though he had been continually reducing his smoking spree for a couple of months now, it sure made him flinch this day parting ways with the only friend that never left his side throughout his rough and bumpy life.

He would not have quit if not for the warning by his physician, which coupled with the long runs of coughs over the past six months didn’t leave any doubts over what would happen if he didn’t take care of himself in time.

Already his hands were reaching for the non-existent cigarette in his overcoats’ inside pocket. His lips were cupped in a way that suggested having been habitual to the same-old-cylinder between them. The last cigarette already felt like an eon ago.

The chilly air was drawing out sharp and short breaths from him. The exhaled breaths precipitating in the air looked so much like smoke. He remembered the smoke-rings that he used to make with practiced perfection. He fondly recalled how he could blow the smoke out in spirals to the awe of his smoking peers. For him, it wasn’t just the inhalation that mattered; exhalation gave him equal pleasure. He smiled as he was reminded of how the smoke would come billowing out of his nose. It used to give him the sense of invincibility. Now his lungs filled with cold air, how he longed for the caressing touch of smoke on its walls.

Life would be harder now. There will no longer be a pack of ‘Camel’ in his pockets or that archaic lighter. He won’t be able to exhale his worries with the spent smoke-filled breaths. A white piece of cylinder, so small yet so strong a companion. How it gives itself away to the human desire, reduced to an inch long survival; that too to be crushed under the mighty heels. Suddenly, Steve felt guilt for trampling that last cigarette butt under his feet. It sure deserved more respect than that.

So deep was he in his thoughts that he didn’t even realize that he walked right past the gas-station where he always bought cigarettes. The owner knew him so well that every time Steve entered, he would automatically place a cigarette packet atop the counter. Well, not today.

And as he distanced himself from the shop, the awestruck owner was squinting hard from inside the shop. A cigarette packet lay on the top of the counter and a smoldering butt was smothering on the pavement at a distance.

Beautiful

Is beauty ephemeral?
Like the skin that dries up
And wrinkles that form over your face
Every time you look into mirror
You won't find what was there
A long long time ago
And you'll think that others might think
That you are not beautiful
The depth is not skin-deep, my friend
And however old you might get
Till your caring heart remains young
Till your gracious conscience stays young
Don't be afraid! my friend
If no one else I will find you beautiful
For not what u have but for who you are

हावाको बेगसंगै

हिजो मात्रै सपना देखेको
तर खै कता हो कता हराएछ
अनि खोज्दा खोज्दै झमक्कै साँझ पर्‍यो
भोली फेरी खोज्नेछु कतै न कतै
कुनै न कुनै कुनामा
भेटिएला कि भन्ने झिनो आशामा
प्रयास सम्भवत असफल
एक चित्त बुझाउने बाटो
खहरेको भेल उर्लिएको बेला
झोलुङे पुल के नै पो धान्न सक्छ र?
तर अझै एक चोट बाकी छ
यो मक्केको काठ माथि
खहरे सुस्ताउने आशामा
झोलुङे पुल हल्लिरहेछ
हावाको बेगसंगै

My Rainbow

That rainbow
Endless to the horizon
I fly and fly
To catch it in the mid-air
Total bliss, peace, purification
Thoughts of a mad-man
Mad-bird?
Rainbow dodges me
Again and again
And I fly and fly
Till the rainbow ends
And I wait again
For the next rainbow
A rainbow that doesn't run
A rainbow that doesn't end
I wait for MY rainbow.

A Null

Waves of blankness
Hitting a blank wall
Creating a void
Of nothingness
And the oblivion watches
From a distance
Vacant eyes
Unoccupied thoughts
Nothing lives
Nothing dies
It’s only an empty lot
Searching yields no results
Finding is losing
Losing is intolerable
Yet the search is on
I don’t expect you to find
I can't be wrong
You don’t know nothing

My God, Your God

They came
They preached
Each in his own voice
Monotonous
Metallic
Brutal
Cajolling
Each telling me that
The God I believed in
And the God they believed in
Were different
That the way I attain God
Is not a way at all
And when I didn't believe them
They persisted
With the same voice
Forcing me to believe
But unable to back their theories
Except with folklores
And so called God's words
They may not know
But I too have those scriptures
And mine are thicker than theirs
Why should I distrust mine
And follow theirs?
As if I am the sheep that
Their God wanted them to be
No, I am not a sheep
Nor is my God a shepherd
I never tried to impose myself
It's better if you don't as well
If not mine
For your own God's sake!

Candles and Moths

All candles beckon moths
Raw and stupid they obey
"Come to my light and glory"
"Why not? Candle,” naïve moths say

I am not a moth, dear candle
You can’t make me obey
For the light you give to me
A dear price I have to pay

Your tears for those moths are faked
I know that to be true
No matter how hard you try
Nothing will make me come to you

So many candles in the world
Let tears not sway you my friend
It’s always an ally that betrays you
That has always been the trend
A wrong turn around the bend
A dead end
A dead end………………………….

The Tree

The old tree is withering with care
As if preparing to fall softly
The ground is sodden and muddy
Will it cushion the fall?
Its leaves are the color of death
Its branches ghost of life
Truncated off its glory and days
It stands old but wise
I used to be with it
When it was lush and green
Reminiscent of happier times
Its leaves reminder of eternal spring
No tombstone will be raised for it
No epitaph will be written
Gone to the whispers of wind
It will live in me
I will die with it

Walking

Down the street
A Coke-can
Crushed to the death
Still oozing coke
Final hours of death
Garbage man will approach soon
I felt pity
"Hey Man!
Why r u picking it?
Someone threw it away"
Someone tells me.
I didn't tell him but
I picked it because
Someone threw it away.

I won't let it happen again.

Torn in twos and threes
Punctured all over
Scratched in a place or two
This isn't a rag, my friend

Why do I have it?
When I don't need it
When broken to pieces
Why do I mend it?

I don’t have an answer
I don’t have a reason
Just a piece of junk
Obsolete yet dear

Life sucked out of it
It looks a lot like me
Nothing I can do about it
Why do you ask again and again?

No, I won’t give it to you
I trust no one with it
Many times before
Menders have turned offenders
I won't let it happen again.

Indifference

I hear the mocking laughter of yours
It mocks no pride in me
I see the coldness in your eyes
It chills no bone of me
I smell the putrid thoughts of yours
It swells no disgust in me
I feel the blatant wrath of yours
It spurs no vengeance in me
I observe the mercenary principle of yours
It holds no value for me
I stand-alone in this big world of yours
As alone as one can be.

Cherished Memories

Unobscured by the dimming visions,
Unblemished by the shadowy nights,
Despite the threatening gloom,
Your serene face smiles deep within me.

Enshrouded in the veil of melancholy,
My cheery self has tarnished with time.
Yet when I dreamily recall our times together
Despite myself, a smile plays across my lips.

Engulfed in the suffocating darkness,
When I try to break free
I see my guardian angel,
The darkness crumbling under her halo
And I see your placid image in her eyes.

Dreary-eyed and sodden-cheeked,
When I delve into my past
Blissful moments conjure up long forgotten memories
And I try hard to hang on to them
For I fear tomorrow may not be the same.

Life, too short

Life is too short to wait, for someone
Life is too short to regret, for something
Do not waste your life making friends
They forget you faster that your rivals do

Do what is there to be done
Who knows when the fuel runs dry?
A blink of an eye is all that it takes
To wave this world goodbye

The Dream

The day ended in a sad tune
A tune of loss, a tune of grief
Or was it the tune of eternal double-cross?
Whatever it was, the tune was sad.

A bird screamed at the top of a tree
A cry of fear, a cry for help
Or was it the cry for perennial tears?
That wet the vision; so dark, so hostile

I was dreaming of a white flag
Suddenly there was a patch of blood
I looked down on me, my arms were missing
Those patches were of my own blood

I woke startled and looked out of a window
I heard the sad tune of humanity
I heard the painful cry of pigeons
I saw the white flag that turned red
And I wished I had never woken up.

Lone Stargazer

Silent night
Twinkling stars
I, a lone stargazer
Cocooned in my loneliness
Silent but not twinkling
Alone

Lackluster
Melancholic
Lackadaisical
Adjectives
That may define me
And my inner thoughts

Stars mock me
I, the lonely stargazer
Unaccompanied
An island
Am subject to mockery

Won’t you take your turn?

Hey Sweetie!

Hey Sweetie! Have you found yourself a new guy?
If you have, tell me how does he look?
Does he smile better than me?
Does he too go crazy about your looks?

Hey Sweetie! How often do you go out with him?
Does he care enough for you?
Or even more, do you care for him?
Does your heart beat faster when he is around?

Tell me Sweetie! Is he better looking than me?
Or that he can share your feelings better?
Or is he just an excuse for your loneliness?
Does it feel as good as our old days?

And Sweetie! Does he too give his shoulders when you cry?
Or do you even have a need to cry with him around?
Are you yourself when you are with him?
And do you smile the same smile for him?

Tell me Sweetie! Have you found yourself a new guy?

The Tree, Grapes and Me

I saw the tree
The grapes were far
I didn't jump
I couldn't have reached
I declared them sour
Today, I ponder to myself
Why didn't I jump?
What if I could have reached?
Probably I would not have
But I didn't try
And therein lies the rub
I don't see the tree now
Grapes are gone along with the tree
Not everyone gets a second chance
Yet I fear finding the tree
More than I fear not finding it
If I jump and I don't get
The grapes will really turn sour
Imagination will turn into reality
Maybe I am running from the tree
Searching it may just be a pretext
I don't know
I am helpless
Why did I see the tree in the first place?